feeling better

since my last blog.. for one thing, i ovulated, according to fertility friend. and i will take it! zach and i were not having sex during that whole period of possibly fertile to most fertile, and i think it was taking a toll on me... needless to say, we've done the deed and i'm feeling better about that! :D

we had a really good weekend, too. friday night was a girls' night in at my friend reina's house.. just three girls hanging out.. we watched "the secret life of bees" and it was really inspiring. it was also refreshing to spend time with some women from church who i haven't really had a chance to get to know yet..

then on saturday, we just hung out at home and finally went to exchange some pots and pans that we've been meaning to return for about a month! we got a really nice set for our wedding, but we should have gotten stainless steel! the teflon was already flaking off and we all know how healthy that is! so we exchanged the set we got for a larger stainless steel version and i know it made zach really happy. saturday night was our young adult church group, and it was about love. i was really convicted to love better.

today, we went to church, and i sang on the worship team as i usually do, but today just felt good.. i'm not sure why.. afterwards there was a fundraiser for this next weekend's youth and young adult conference in estes park. zach and i are planning on going, and this fundraiser was a lot of fun. by my calculations, we were able to raise almost $1800! that's pretty awesome!! it costs $135 to send one person to the conference, so that's a lot of people we can send.. there was an auction for the right to pie our pastors in the face. the first one went for $60, the next one $125, the third one for $160 and the senior pastor went for a whopping $810!!! WHAT? pretty awesome..

we came home to take a nap and now we're watching CSI: Miami and as soon as it's over, we're going to go grocery shopping and grab a bite to eat. it feels good to have a relaxing weekend with my hubs. i have high hopes for this week.. i hope that it flies by and that i do a good job at work so that nobody gives me a hard time. i hope that zach and i continue to love each other well. i hope that this weekend, everyone who attends the conference has a life-changing experience.

it's going to be a great week. i can just tell.

bitterness

"and she was in bitterness of soul, and prayed to the Lord, and wept bitterly." 1 samuel 1:10

i'm not exactly weeping, but i am definitely experiencing this "bitterness of soul" that is discussed here in 1 samuel.

the story that this comes from in the Bible, is of hannah praying to God for a son. while i'm currently feeling content with waiting for a baby, i'm also feeling overwhelmed with sadness today. i know part of it is wanting a baby, but it's not all of it. i don't really even know how to explain what is wrong.

i also really have to stop obsessing about when i am going to ovulate, or if i am going to ovulate. i am worried that my last cycle really screwed me up. i need to chill out about it.

i miss my family. i don't feel at home in this condo. it feels too small and too awkward.

i'm going to a girls' night in, and hopefully that will get me out of this funk. i'm going to be ok. just need to chill.......

hope

my good friend sarah, from church, gave me the cutest t-shirt today for our little baby (that is currently nonexsistant)...



she wrote me the sweetest card about how we will have a baby in God's timing and that his timing is perfect. she gave me this as a "point of contact", a place we can come back to when we're feeling particularly discouraged or concerned that it's not time or that we're not ready.. so thoughtful! of course if the first baby is a boy, sarah said she'll have to get him something else, since this is a bit girly... :)

i sang a solo in church this morning and it went well. i love to sing, and i know that i have to use my voice or it might go away... but i feel uncomfortable singing solos. i don't mind leading a group of people.. but by myself, my face turns bright stinkin' RED! i guess that will go away as i sing alone more often.

happy february!

i can't believe the first month of the year is already gone. only 4 days until our 10 monthiversary! woo!

a lot of strange dreams were dreamed last night by me.. mostly about charting and the last dream i had about charting ended with me giving a presentation to a roomful of women urging them to begin charting too.. i think it's because i finally shared my charts on fertilityfriend.com and then was perusing the chart galleries..

my last cycle's chart was a little sad to share, because they automatically categorized it as a "miscarriage" chart. i guess they do that any time you record a positive pg test and then a negative one. i am still perplexed by my last cycle before this one... i thought if you had a chemical pregnancy or a m/c you would start bleeding pretty soon after. not so in my case. i guess that's why i'm fascinated by the human body. and it just reminds me that i was formed in my mother's womb by an intelligent Creator who loves me.

here's my last chart... just for grins.


(click on the half-chart to see the whole thing)

anyway... it's kinda crazy, huh? i felt crazy the entire 59 days. ok, maybe just the 44 days of my luteal phase. well... to be more specific, starting from 7 dpo. when i had that little "implantation dip". that was also around when i started experiencing the symptoms of nausea, tender breasts, and extreme fatigue. i just knew my mom was going to be concerned and then tell everyone i was likely knocked up. but she didn't. thank God. for real.

anyway... i have to go sing a solo in church now.